That’s mad.
Here’s an uninteresting fact about me as a reward to all my loyal readers, all seven of you: I like brushing my teeth with hot water.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it’s better if you do.
Els threw a soiree that was really meant to be boardgames and munchies and cupcakes. I forced her into making it themed so i could wear a pink wig and a tight dress (pimps ‘n’ hos). Essentially it was just me and Sarah that “dressed up”. Sarah and I scared a lot of Els’ younger brother’s friends, just by being present. They were only 17, bless.
The problem with taking photos of yourself all the live long day is that you can take an infinite amount of them until you feel one is flattering enough (one that isn’t a really true depiction of your real self) to upload to the www. As soon as someone else takes the camera from my hands i die inside because i realise what i ACTUALLY look like. I am much better looking in my head.
Here’s what went down. I started off my camera whoring with some light bedroom posing:
These are for you Myspace..
I have no idea why those children were so nervous..
Felt that was enough and made my way to the soiree…
“do a nice face amy” “ok”
played a bit of the ol’ HumBug before the part-ay…
“Frosty’s the name, cougaring’s the game…”
There’s a possibility that if you look directly at these wig pictures, your retinas will burn.
- 10 years on still going strong
- Seth had said something obscene at shutter release.
- Sarah tells funny jokes
- Hurrrr
The best chandelier i’ve ever seen. It was basically fruits and baubles made of glass.
Tom: “ok pick a card…ok…right…hold on..right put it back in the pack…..ok…..hold on…is that your card?” Amy: “no.”
Tom found this bionic arm in a bush outside, no one wanted to go near him because we thought, at some point in time, a dog must have shit on it. ”For goodness sake Tom, we’re in Hertfordshire! save it for The North.”
Note: all the girls in this photo are 17, all the boys are 24 and over. Successful party integration.
I was the only sober person at this party yet i was the only one not to understand the premise of this stand up boardgame. Clearly sobriety didn’t allow me to enter into the part of my brain that participation in this game requires.
Tom is an outrageous BNP supporter.
This is what everyone was seeing at the end of the night i think.
Shortly after Dancy turned us all into dust with his laser eyes, an ambulance was called for some drunk 17 year old fucktard that had passed out upstairs by her knobdicker of a boyfriend (a 23 year old) who was too ashamed to take her home to her parents and thus wasted the valuable services of the paramedics. We all laughed at this fact and how in “our day” our attitude was rock n roll, puke it out and carry on dancing. Kids these days, tsk.
Other details included:
Acute racism from the only asian in the house
Everyone awkwardly laughing at said racist jokes like the polite middle classes we are
Alvin Stardust
Bionic arm frog throwing
Bionic arm malteser throwing
More card tricks
People i haven’t seen for 5 years
“Why does aspirin work? because it’s white.”
“What’s black and doesn’t work? Half the country”
“is that your fanny that smells? no? Oh, must be your feet then”
Pimp backhanders
Apple and Mango juice is the bomb
Trying to estimate, by using our hands as a measure, the amount of music we are “aware” of in the world. No one was clear on the definition of “aware” and each one of us was shocked at each other’s answers. We spent five minutes trying to achieve an accurate answer.
Ricky Martin
Strangely, there was no nudity. I’m not sure whether to submit these photographs to the dos and don’ts section of Vice magazine…?
I wonder if there is a name for this because i’ve had it my whole life and recently i found someone else who got it too: Sometimes i’ll just be sitting and i’ll notice my feet and they will appear really small or really large to me…to the point where it’s like…’what on earth…my feet look miniature’ as if i am looking at them through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. Another example is i’ll be hanging out in the mirror and i’ll notice a part of me and it’s like i’m looking in one of those carnival mirrors where it makes you really stout or really skinny but not in a “i need to go on a diet” kind of way but in a really curious someone’s-kidnapped-the-messenger-between-my-eyes-and-brain kind of way because i’m seeing something insanely distorted. Other times i’ll get weird sensations, like just now i had the feeling i had to ‘take my hair off’ as if it were a wig. Another time, a few years ago, i thought one of my hands was about to fall off and i flinched to catch it. Several months ago me, and my friends were in the pub and out the corner of my eye i saw my friend kinda jump and he was staring at his hands. When i turned and asked him what was wrong he said “i just realised i have hands” as if they were some alien gift that had been bestowed upon him just a few seconds earlier. He continued to feel really alarmed at the sight of his hands for the rest of the night. I suppose i kind of get it spiritually as well, i’ll suddenly realise i actually exist and feel as if i’m supposed to be doing something and even though it only lasts a few minutes at the most, it’s a terrifying few minutes. The sensation is like the feeling you get when you are about to jump off something really really high. I just remembered something else which hasn’t happened in a while, but i get it a few times a year…sometimes it will be as if i am physically made up of several layers of me. So i’ll be running up the stairs and it’s like one or a few weren’t as fast as the first me and i’ll see a trail of ghost me’s that take literally miliseconds to catch up. Like how you know you can set up your mouse cursor to have a trail of pointers when you move it? It’s exactly like that and i usually say “whoa” when it happens because it looks crazy.
Maybe i have a brain tumour.
…i didn’t order one of those?
This is what happens when you ignore the burning smell and your brakes fail. Like a stupid idiot i wasn’t wearing my seatbelt.
This is in my top five most scaries. I could have killed us if we were going faster, or it could have been my mum tomorrow morning doing 70mph on the motorway….these are thoughts too much to bear, so i shan’t. I totally Nostradamus’d this accident too.
I want a boyfriend that sings like Robert Pattinson…
I should never think
What’s in your heart
What’s in our home
So I won’t
You’ll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh Love
So call me by my name
And oh, save your soul
save your soul
Before you’re too far gone
Before nothing can be done
I’ll try to decide when
She’ll lie in the end
I ain’t got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
To tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It’s the one thing that I’ve known
Once I put my coat on
I’m coming out of this all wrong
She’s standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I’m in love
I’m in love
Girl save your soul
Save your soul
Before you’re too far gone
And before nothing can be done
‘Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Hold on
…it’s funny how i’ve always considered myself to be a fine example of someone who’s emotionally stable, doesn’t over react and has a solid grasp of reality. The truth is, so i’ve just realised, is that i’m a complete nutcase that jumps to the nearest most unreasonable conclusion unless i get outside assistance from The Mim.
Thanks for keeping my inner hulk in check mirrim.
