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February 16, 2012

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t cry every day.  Honestly.  What has this blog turned into hahah.

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February 15, 2012

I never quite comprehended how obsessive I am until recently.   I cannot stop thinking of certain things, over and over.  It’s a war zone in there.

February 12, 2012

I don’t know how to cope.  I don’t know how to share this burden. I don’t know how to put my mother at ease, or my father for that.  Jokes about it result in laughter followed by floods of tears.  We try and laugh but we end up crying.  If it was me I could be strong for myself but it’s not and watching my wonderful mother quietly fall to pieces is the worst part of it all.  We all know where it’s headed too but we’re just simply not acknowledging it.  Holding up a pretence in an effort to stop ourselves from completely and absolutely  disintegrating into a pile of dust.  I can just about hold it together when it comes up long enough so that I can retreat to my bedroom and crumble away in privacy.

I cannot imagine what it’s like to find out your husband or you yourself doesn’t have very long to live.  What do you do with that information? How on earth do you process that into something your can accept?  You just can’t.   From my perspective it’s fucking horrible.  My mother’s face is speaking a thousand words right now and I simply don’t know what to do.

If I hug him goodbye tonight he’ll think I’m saying my ‘goodbyes’ and I’ll be acknowledging that something terrible might happen but if I don’t, I might not see him again.  I am incompatible with these emotions.  I’m just not strong enough to be strong enough.

Seclusion…

December 19, 2011

I have never been one to pursue relationships with men, I can take or leave having a love life.  I’ve always been of the house of as-little-commitment-as-possible, or so I thought.  But there have been times in my life where i’ve felt like I should put myself into a relationship and I’ve always ignored that little voice inside warning me it’s not right.  Inevitably, these relationships always ended in failure as that is never a way to enter a relationship, either I put a stop to it or guy decided I wasn’t right.  All’s fair in love and war, as they say.

I’ve only fallen in love once, I’m talking utterly smitten and besotted, completely obsessed love and that has entirely marred my perception of the requited kind.  I do not believe that truly exists, at least not with me.  I’m too neurotic and too stubborn to find anything remotely satisfying like that.  Now I’ve become a “Rules Girl” and that shit still doesn’t seem to be working.  Which has lead me to believe that, actually, it’s me as a person that will never settle with someone I’m head over heels in love with.  This kind of terrifies me.  Not only because I am already grieving for the companionship i’ll never find but also because it means I have to actually look inside myself and ask myself why that is.  I’m pretty sure I won’t like what I find.

Above all else, I’ve let my friendships completely fade into something they never were and have replaced time spent with them with time spent with myself.  With each passing day I can feel myself slipping further and further inwards.  I’m at a point now where I simply do not care about much at all.  The only things I feel with any passion are anger and frustration both at myself and other people who have failed my ridiculous expectations.  All faith in love has been lost.  All faith in myself is nowhere to be found.  I cannot foresee anything except infinite blandness.  I’m in Purgatory.

 

Sad As I Am Happy

December 3, 2011

 

 

You save yourself or you remain unsaved.

November 28, 2011

Those demons will remain un-exorcised.

Wouldn’t mind ceasing to exist

November 17, 2011

Going to conjure up a black hole and step inside.