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Holding on to what we have…

August 22, 2008

I feel like everyone has X-ray specs and can see everything i’m thinking.  It’s freaking me out.

Today I can’t stop thinking about going camping (I suppose it’s hardly the end of the world if someone is reading my thoughts and all they can hear is me wanting to go camping…) I want to live wild for as long as Ray Meares’ imparted wisdom allows me to and I want it to result in me getting life together and not giving a shit.  I guess I can already do that starting…..now.  I can’t say i’m exactly qualified to be living wild but I haven’t wholly disregarded the wildlife lessons my father half-taught me as a child so I reckon i’d do pretty well or at the very least, not badly.

I’m currently experiencing extreme levels of desire.  I have an unaccountable thirst for a cup of tea but life is cold outside these low thread-count sheets and i’ve been driven to wearing socks in bed.  It feels horrible.  I’m taking them off.  I know I bang on about hating my desires and i’m forever saying shit like “I want blah blah…” but I reason that without desire, I probably wouldn’t want to live.  I probably wouldn’t want to die either.  Desire incites me.  Desire overcomes my inertia.  Desire humiliates me and adds another chapter to my story.  Everything I am can be distilled into my want for enjoyment and satisfaction.  Sleep will temporarily subdue these cravings.  No doubt my dreams will take some perverted course at shaping my desires into something abstract and ridiculous and i’ll wake up unable to decipher their meaning, frustrated, as always, and i’ll spend the new day thinking about how much I need money to buy camping equipment. How long until I absolve my guilt for desire?

Bring me this almighty man

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