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The fall of grace…

September 8, 2008








I am an unbelievable glutton with food.  I literally cannot stop myself from eating until I want to vomit.  It’s becoming a problem.  This weekend has highlighted just how much i’m lacking in temperance when it comes to eating.  For example, Saturday I gorged on La Panella which resulted in several short bursts of unabated ecstasy and restlessness over the course of about 2 hours, each outburst lasting around five minutes and meaning I had to walk or move or do something with at least two or more of my limbs as a result of whatever terrible chemical reaction was happening with the huge amounts of sugar i’d just consumed.  What followed that was a further 5 or 6 hours of complete lethargy and sugar lull-dom until bed time. We watched Footloose which suited me fine because my brain had turned into mashed potato.

Today was really no different, I over ate at Veg Out Time (again) and even though I was about 75%  sure that my stomach may have started to split, I really wanted to use up the free Gloria Jeans drink card that Carla gave me….just because I had it in my pocket and there was a Gloria Jeans on Chapel.   I got a regular soy hot chocolate and we shared.

Now you might think that a normal person who’d started to feel uncomfortably full would avoid eating again until they were actually hungry, no, not me.  As soon as i got home I filled the kettle and took out the leftover apple slice that had managed to evade my sticky British fingers yesterday afternoon and put it in the oven to warm.  Armed with a cup of tea and the hot apple slice I climbed the stairs to watch an episode of Underbelly and force down this “snack” which i wasn’t even remotely hungry for.  Please note that at this stage it was difficult for me to stand up straight because my stomach hurt.  Such is my food “addiction” I felt i HAD to eat the apple slice purely because it was in the fridge and was there.

I’m not sure why i’m even shocked at myself for behaving in this way, it’s an ongoing family joke that my parents were able to afford an extra holiday every year after I moved out from all the money they saved on the food bill.  I’m not even joking either.  I eat more than my 6’2″ older brother and frankly it’s embarrassing.  For him…not me.   Anyway, my relationship with food represents my relationship with everything I’ve ever enjoyed in life.  If i like something, I want to indulge in it.  And once i’ve indulged in it i’ll indulge some more until i’ve exhausted it of it’s resource or until i’m so sick of it I can’t even look at it.  Every facet of my life follows this pattern, physical, spiritual and emotional, it’s all the same.  There’s no moderation whatsoever until i’ve hit a point of no return and i’m so disgusted with myself I can’t bear to do whatever it is i’m doing any longer.

I fear I wont meet this point with food.  Ever.

I. can’t. Let. Go.

I’m blaming this one on the internet.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I’m going to be a geisha soon…

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