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Everything means nothing to me

October 31, 2008

So today I found myself trapped on a train for 90 minutes as a result of the inclement Melbourne weather.  Only here can a rail system become disrupted due to lightening coming from apparent blue skies.  Whilst entrapped in my cramped steel and glass cage I began pondering life’s little foibles (as I normally do when I am deprived of my usual distractions).  What is it that makes life so great and so difficult?  Does it get any better or worse than what i’ve already experienced? Will i forever feel this idle? Be this idle? Directionless? what do I want? Do I need anything?

I found myself looking back fondly at the weeks prior to my settling in Melbourne.  Being amongst the continual flow of introductions of strangers, whos names you forget on the spot but nonetheless creating swirls and eddies of fun times and new experiences, was more than what I would describe as “fun”.  It was satisfying and enjoyable knowing that I was actualising what i’d imagined i’d be doing whilst sitting in my home counties household, crossed legged in front of my laptop planning my journey only weeks and days beforehand. This was happiness.

I can probably safely say that life has trespassed a little unfairly over my threshold for pain and sanity in my latter years. That’s not to say i’ve suffered greatly to any extent at all.  There are people out there suffering fates far worse than I could begin to imagine.  Sometimes I think I believe in Karma and others I think about what I did that was so bad.  The more you talk about dark things the more you see and hear dark things and the darkness in people.  I’ve been moved to tears more than once when i’ve leant an ear to comrades over stories about selfish acts, monstrous experiences and the doom that can abound in humans.

I came to the conclusion that even though I am currently destitute of vision for where i’m headed,  I needn’t worry because it’s where i’m at that counts.  I am grateful I can laugh every day, something that once upon a time I thought had been stolen from me; and while I acknowledge that I still feel a little as if something was taken I know that all things must pass.  Perhaps my sense of mortality has a lot to do with how I live my life.  No ties.

4 years stronger and i’m ready to accept that maybe it was not my fault after all.

Now the darkness only stays the night-time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
Its not always going to be this grey

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