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Who’s that girl?

August 23, 2009

A mysterious girl has been appearing in my dreams.  The other night i was walking with her around the edge of the universe.  Imagine the ending of The Truman show where Truman is walking around the edge of the world on the little ledge looking for his exit, but instead of water and painted clouds imagine a ceaseless darkness punctuated with glittering diamonds and great black silhouettes of planets and moons only visible by the contouring of the stars around them.  I’m obviously never going to experience that in real life but if I ever i fell into the sky, i think i’d be adequately prepared for what i’d see.

Last night I was sitting opposite my mother on the floor in a cheap american hotel room and we are just talking about things, nothing heavy, just me going away to live in other countries and my life and where it’s going.  She starts to cry, i ask what’s wrong and she pulls out a gun and holds it to my head.  She starts  sobbing uncontrollably and i’m just quietly staring at her not thinking about anything except “here it is, am i ready?”, i’m not breathing and i’m waiting for her to just do it and i know that if she took the gun away from my head i’d have a barrel shaped imprint on my skin.  I don’t try and grab it out of her hand because I don’t want her to get hurt so i’m just sitting in the same position my hands slightly elavated to give the impression i’m not gonna freak out, i don’t know why i do this, i suppose i’ve seen it in the movies.  She takes a deep breath, squeezes her eyes shut and BANG! pulls the trigger. Black.  I open my eyes and realise i’m face down the on the dirty wooden hotel floor in a puddle of blood.  From this angle I can see the evening light out the sash window and the battered dresser at the end of the bed, i don’t move for a little bit, just look around with my eyes.  Weirdest feeling in my head.  I hear quiet sobbing from somewhere in the room and try and get up.  My hands and the lower half of my arms are numb so they feel like useless little stumps and only half work.  I move too quickly and a gush of blood rushes down my face taking away the vision in my left eye. “shit” i think.  “I probably don’t have long” I drag myself along the floor towards the bed, kind of like a seal pulling itself along with its flippers because my legs don’t seem to work either.  At this point i realise i’m not doing to0 badly and prop myself up against the bed, i look to my right and my mum is crying in the corner with her knees pulled to her chest and the gun still in her hand, i ignore her.  My phone is on the bed and i used one numb arm to lift my other numb arm to scoop it off the bed onto the floor.  I can’t hold the phone so i have to use one of my knuckles to push numbers.  As i start dialling I start slipping away into the back of my head.  That’s the only way i can describe it.  I keep trying to dial 999 but it’s 9989 or  9#999 or 996 or any other combination of numbers around the number 9.  I manage it eventually but only through sheer luck and when the operator comes on, it’s her.  I have no strength left to talk and all i can manage is a series of exhalations and the word “shot” followed by me puking up a mixture of vomit and blood.  The strain of vomiting forces more blood to gush out the gunshot wound in the back of my head and the room is silent except for the sound of this warm trickling blood.  I can hear the sound of someone talking out of the phone but i’m gone inside my head by now and suddenly  i’m looking at myself from the ceiling.  I see myself slumped against the bed, blood covering most of the hotel room floor, my mother in the corner turning the gun on herself and i’m as high as the ceiling screaming at the top of my lungs telling her not to do it and that help is on its way but she can’t hear me because even though she’s at the edge of the world and even though i’m just on the other side she still can’t hear me.  The last round finds its way into her skull and seconds later the girl and the rest of the paramedics burst through our door and i just watch them like fast little ants trying their best to revive us.  Eventually they carry our limp bodies out of the room and as they close the door i know i’ll never see my mum again.

I’m bored of writing now but the dream i had this morning was me and the girl sunbathing on a beach and she got sucked into the sea by an invisible force  and even though i can breath under water in my dreams i couldn’t find her for ages.  When i did find her she was being really still so she could conserve her oxygen but when i touched her she turned into a sea slug.  “fuck it” i thought and got an ice cream.

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