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I just remembered something funny…

November 4, 2009

I existed on a boat very briefly for 6 days while I sailed around the Whitsundays about 18 months ago in Australia.  One of the crew was a young kiwi by the name of Sam who i instantly took a shine to because…i’m not sure why…he had dreadlocks and mostly ignored me (my type of man?) but he had a girlfriend so it was a no-go zone.  Also, my skin was still adjusting to the Australian climate which meant i was a cross between a beefsteak tomato and a pepperoni pizza, not exactly a number 1 choice for anyone let alone someone who is amongst dozens of ultra-babes each week on his boat.  My crush for him was outed one night and i was mortified because it was just like year 8 all over again and it’s always embarrassing to fancy someone that you’ve only spoken two words to.  Towards the end of the week i’m pretty sure some of the other crew put him up to a few dares just to make me feel like an ant under a magnifying glass.  One day i was standing on the side of the boat just hanging out taking in the views, Sam comes along and did his usual “hey miss” whilst simultaneously holding my gaze just long enough so i’d fall in love with him 1000 times over, he starts talking to me and i’m standing there making minimal conversation because i have the equivalent vocabulary of a star struck Robert Pattinson tweeny fan on the set of Twilight, it’s a wonder i didn’t faint off the side of the boat.  So i’m standing there yes-ing and no-oing and he sees a 2 litre coke bottle on the roof just behind me.  Seeing this as an oportunity to make me spontaneously combust he leant forward and placed both his hands on the side of the boat at my eye level like this:

bella and edward intense

and stared into my eyes as if i’m something to eat.  While i concentrated on not bleeding from my ears he reached up for the bottle, keeping his gaze fixed on mine.  At this point my heart rate must have been about 180 rpm because i had the naked torso of my sailor crush pressed against mine and i was in a bikini so it was 3 seconds of electrifying contact.  Once he got it down he stepped back and laughed like a smug little polliwog and went to open the coke.  He obviously hadn’t thought about the fact that a sealed carbonated drink laying exposed on a white roof of a boat in Australian sunshine might accumulate some excess pressure… because the lid instantly exploded into his face with a loud bang.  The speed of which could have probably blinded him.  That didn’t stop me going from zero to side-splitting hysteria in 0.5 seconds though.  I think i managed to choke out some ‘are you okays’ and ‘oh my god are you alrights’ between gasping for air.  He went off in a snit and the next day had a delicious welt under his eye.  Ha!

So gentlemen, next time you decide to play the spider and the fly just remember the universe is a motherhuffer and she WILL whoop your ass for being a naughty little toad…

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