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Periods suck.

December 17, 2009

It’s 11:20am and i can take no more.  I jump in the car and drive speedily to the shops. I burst through the door of the local chemist and send the chimes pealing in audible protest.  I note there’s no one at the counter and mentally thank The Lord Fuck as i rapidly march up to the clerk.   “I need whatever your strongest pain killing shit is, now.” I feel like i resemble an angry bull, huffing loudly, red-faced and with steam shooting out my nostrils.  I grip the counter while i make my demands accompanied with a deathly glower and expectantly hope the clerk will respond with “of course madam, actually, i have this shot of morphine right here, if you would just lift  your sleeve….” instead i notice a smirk crack his face as he turns and peruses the various boxes promising immediate relief from a variety of painful ailments.  Simultaneously i think of ways to murder him for his insensitivity – i am definitely in the grip of some kind of pain mania.  “Period pain is it?”…hmm how did he guess? He gives me a box of Feminax and then offers their own brand, i shun his pathetic salesmanship knowing that only Feminax holds the key to a pain free existence for the next few hours and i wanna get the fuck out of there so i can nurse a hot water bottle and stare vacantly out my window.  I buy a vitamin water and hungrily snaffle the pills down like they’re smarties, i don’t wait for my change.  For those of you reading this and thinking i’m being melodramatic, put nicely, you can go fuck yourself.  There is no pain like menstrual pain.  It’s always the same every month, i’ll endure as much as possible until i’m literally writhing around in agony unable to do anything but whimper and crawl around on all fours shaking my fist at the universe begging it to end my life or provide me with some divine intervention assuaging the assault on my womb, it really does get that bad.  To describe the feeling to someone who doesn’t suffer from acute period pain (dudes and the luckiest women alive) imagine if you will that someone is slowly and carefully carving out your insides with a hot serving spoon and in between each spoonful is wringing your insides with barbed wire gloves.  Or perhaps that down town Baghdad has relocated to a spot between your kidneys.  The pain is sometimes so much that i end up puking and once i even passed out.  The agony is hot but dull and slow.  I’ve always said that if you could take a snapshot of the pain and give it to someone to experience it wouldn’t necessarily be that painful if endured for only a second or two, it’s the relentlessness and hours of build up that make it so  unbearable.  Imagine an upside down lego triangle of misery, the first few blocks are fine, tolerable even and you can carry on with your life as usual, but as the devil adds more bricks the pain increases.  Finally the triangle is completed when i literally cannot stand upright, i don’t know why i always let it get to this point, i’m clearly a stubborn masochist by nature and I see it as some kind of depraved self-competition inconveniently forgetting just how painful it gets.  For guys i guess it would be comparable to a kick in the balls, i’m talking at the peak of pain here, but imagine sustaining that pain over a few hours.  If endured without pain killers the pain will reach up into my stomach and chest and down into my legs.  An ex-boyfriend once walked in on me in the throws of agony and was amused at my inability to stay in the same position for longer than half a second, “ha! you look drunk!” he said.  If ever there has been a moment in my life that i could have killed someone, that was it.  I probably told him to remove himself from the vicinity for his own safety but in not so many polite words.  I remember my step dad saying to my mum, who also suffered badly, “you’d think you’d be used to it by now…” The few seconds of silence while everyone contemplated the instantly regrettable words just released into the atmosphere were more than palpable.  I swear i was actually surprised that my mum’s devil scowl hadn’t turned him into stone right then and there.  I think he was made forcibly scarce after that little faux pas.  So, in closing, i’d just like to say a big “FUCK YOU” and raise a middle finger to mother nature and evolution for continuing the eye-watering idiocy that is the female menstrual cycle.

God save Ibuprofen.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. leavemehere permalink
    December 19, 2009 10:52 am

    I’ll bring you something legit from over here.

  2. December 19, 2009 11:07 am

    Opium? ….. i’d rather i didn’t have to visit you in customs. 2 days af;kdsfjhskdfjhnsj!

  3. modelmonologue permalink
    December 20, 2009 6:28 am


  4. jmbutrfly permalink
    January 21, 2010 10:47 pm

    Sorry if this is weird, I just found this blog entry through google. I would like to say that though I feel so much sympathy for you, it’s kind of nice to hear someone else who puts up with the same level of shit each month that i do (no other female in my life seems to). And describes the feeling so well :-) thanks for making me feel a bit better on such a similar shitty day.

  5. January 22, 2010 1:25 am

    It’s also good knowing there’s someone else out there that understands! Thanks for visiting :)

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