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December 19, 2011

I have never been one to pursue relationships with men, I can take or leave having a love life.  I’ve always been of the house of as-little-commitment-as-possible, or so I thought.  But there have been times in my life where i’ve felt like I should put myself into a relationship and I’ve always ignored that little voice inside warning me it’s not right.  Inevitably, these relationships always ended in failure as that is never a way to enter a relationship, either I put a stop to it or guy decided I wasn’t right.  All’s fair in love and war, as they say.

I’ve only fallen in love once, I’m talking utterly smitten and besotted, completely obsessed love and that has entirely marred my perception of the requited kind.  I do not believe that truly exists, at least not with me.  I’m too neurotic and too stubborn to find anything remotely satisfying like that.  Now I’ve become a “Rules Girl” and that shit still doesn’t seem to be working.  Which has lead me to believe that, actually, it’s me as a person that will never settle with someone I’m head over heels in love with.  This kind of terrifies me.  Not only because I am already grieving for the companionship i’ll never find but also because it means I have to actually look inside myself and ask myself why that is.  I’m pretty sure I won’t like what I find.

Above all else, I’ve let my friendships completely fade into something they never were and have replaced time spent with them with time spent with myself.  With each passing day I can feel myself slipping further and further inwards.  I’m at a point now where I simply do not care about much at all.  The only things I feel with any passion are anger and frustration both at myself and other people who have failed my ridiculous expectations.  All faith in love has been lost.  All faith in myself is nowhere to be found.  I cannot foresee anything except infinite blandness.  I’m in Purgatory.


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