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February 12, 2012

I don’t know how to cope.  I don’t know how to share this burden. I don’t know how to put my mother at ease, or my father for that.  Jokes about it result in laughter followed by floods of tears.  We try and laugh but we end up crying.  If it was me I could be strong for myself but it’s not and watching my wonderful mother quietly fall to pieces is the worst part of it all.  We all know where it’s headed too but we’re just simply not acknowledging it.  Holding up a pretence in an effort to stop ourselves from completely and absolutely  disintegrating into a pile of dust.  I can just about hold it together when it comes up long enough so that I can retreat to my bedroom and crumble away in privacy.

I cannot imagine what it’s like to find out your husband or you yourself doesn’t have very long to live.  What do you do with that information? How on earth do you process that into something your can accept?  You just can’t.   From my perspective it’s fucking horrible.  My mother’s face is speaking a thousand words right now and I simply don’t know what to do.

If I hug him goodbye tonight he’ll think I’m saying my ‘goodbyes’ and I’ll be acknowledging that something terrible might happen but if I don’t, I might not see him again.  I am incompatible with these emotions.  I’m just not strong enough to be strong enough.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 13, 2012 3:52 pm

    Hi i just opened a WordPress not very good at it… But I stumbled opon your page cuz of the art I saw doing a google search for a artwork…. I’m a better artist then a writer….I can’t tell you everything is going to be ok or miracles happend … All I can say is that when things are at it’s end always put strength on your sleeve and and love in your heart… And yourself with maney others will replace the fear and death with courage and memories so that he will remain with you.. This is what my grandpap said to me to keep me strong….maybe it will help you

    “emotions are what separate us from this cold world and bring warmth to those around us …. so in the next life we will be bound to meet in eternity… I’ll be there when you need to take that walk son”

    My grandpap
    Rest in peace

    I wil pray for you and yours

  2. February 13, 2012 6:11 pm

    Those are very kind and reassuring words, thank you x

  3. Adam Lindo permalink
    February 16, 2012 11:01 pm

    No problem

  4. James permalink
    February 17, 2012 4:29 am

    Sometimes you need to accept that you need to say your goodbyes, you can come to terms with what is happening later. Saying your ‘final’ goodbye and just being with them whilst you still can is one of the bestest things you could ever give to yourself or to them.

    I lost my grandfather last year, we knew he was sick but we were never truly sure how extreme it was or what was to come. We were rushed into hospital 11:30 that night and sat by his side.. By the time we got to the hospital, I never got to shake his hand / say goodbye because it was already to late.. and for the last actions I ever saw him make.. they will haunt me forever.

    Make it as comfortable as possible for your mother, support her and your father. Nobody truly knows how to react in these situations but you just need find what makes you and your family cope best.

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